Everything is Tints and Shades
by CrystallineArtist
Summary: Sometimes when you constantly tell the truth you can use it as a way to lie to yourself. Not brave enough to own up to your feelings? Obviously you have to because otherwise it's a lie of omission. You tell yourself the choice is out of your hands. At least...that's what Christina does as she goes through Initiation harboring feelings for one of her soon to be leaders.
1. Chapter 001: Tiptoe on a Ledge

_Author's Note:_ So yea, if you don't like the pairing don't read it. This is mostly just something to keep me busy on my day off. I read all the books and yesterday I saw Divergent and now I kind of ship Eric and Christina. I'm going for something between what happened in the books and what happened in the movie. So here we go.

* * *

I doubled over as soon as Al's hands left my body, taking deep breaths to try and get my fear under control.

_Your feet are on the ground. You are safe. Ha._ I couldn't help it; I was lying to myself and I knew it. _There's a reason you couldn't be Candor. You know you'll never be safe in Dauntless, that's the whole point._

I could feel his eyes on me with each breath I took but I also knew that looking up would be a challenge, a challenge I was not ready to issue. My eyes didn't leave the floor until he moved on.

"Four has given you the impression that it is ok to give up in Dauntless. That it is ok to give up before you have given your best. He says that a wise man knows when to concede." Eric caught me unaware, locking my gaze and holding it steady as he delivered his next statement. "Let me be very clear. Being Dauntless requires you to be your best, try your hardest, and give your all. If you aren't ready to do that then might I suggest that you jump into the chasm right now."

His hand swept toward the railing and I shuddered, my aching arms overpowered every injury that I had taken in my fight. They were reminding me of the three minutes that I had just spent dangling over that void. I removed my hands from my knees and straightened up, trying to make myself look surer than I had even ten minutes ago.

Eric smirked. "No? Then get out of my sight, back to the training room with all of you. I'll even be nice. Take the rest of the day to practice your fighting skills. We'll resume matches tomorrow."

They turned slowly, hesitant to give their back to Eric less he strike out at any of them the same way he had when he'd hoisted me over the rails like I weighed nothing.

Al went to wrap his arm around my shoulders, to give me some support and as much protection as he could muster and man did I ever want it, but before he could land it a hand clamped down on his wrist, halting both of us.

"Actually, Christina will be coming with me."

"She needs to go to the hospital." _Bless your heart Al._ I thought even as I knew it wasn't going to do any good. Eric had that look in his eye…that look that never really left. It was predatory and it screamed that he wouldn't be leaving the bridge until he got what he wanted. _Even if it means throwing Al into the chasm._

I opened my mouth to try and save him but Eric got there first. "Then I'll be sure to take her there. I would get back to that training room if I were you. With all those dives you've been taking in practice spars I know you need some work before your match tomorrow."

_Poor Al...they really are always watching._ I put a hand on his arm and gave him a light push, trying to get him away from here.

"Go on Al. I'm just going to go get patched up and if I'm not back by training time then I'll definitely be back for dinner. Just go get a good work out in, for me?" I tried to smile but the pounding I'd taken made that harder than I'd like to admit.

"She's Candor, she can't lie. So get going." Eric chimed in even as his hand slid from Al's wrist to the small of my back. I shuddered, that was where his hand had been right before he had both his hands on my waist.

"It's hardly a lie if she doesn't know she's walking into danger." Al gave me a pointed look but turned and walked in the other direction, drastically slower than Tris or any of the other transfer initiates had. I wanted to run after him but I let that thought go as soon as it entered my mind.

"Mouthy little bastard. Let's go, unless you want to try another three minutes?" I made my feet start moving, putting one foot right in front of the other and trying to forget about the fingers that were constantly touching me. It wasn't enough pressure to push me in any direction really so there wasn't really a reason for his hand to even be there.

"What are you thinking about Initiate?" His voice sounded different now. It still rang with authority and sureness of himself but there was less of an edge to it. He sounded genuine.

"Nothing…something. It…why are you still touching me?" It couldn't hurt to ask right?

"Wouldn't want you tipping over now would we? You know I wonder something about you Christina." Another shudder rocked through me as he said my name, putting a spin on it that was practically tailor made to make me uncomfortable. "You left Candor for Dauntless. Does that mean that you'll stop telling the truth all the time now? Start lying?"

"Is this part of my training? Are you going to interrogate me to find out if I can keep secrets in case I have to be a spy or something?" It was a hard habit to break and I knew the second the words left my mouth with a sarcastic ring to them that I was going to be in some sort of trouble._ I should have kept my mouth shut, this isn't Four._ He might have gotten in my face about my sarcasm but Eric? Eric would do something about it.

Eric stopped and I only got a step further before her grabbed my arm at the top of my bicep and swung me into a wall face first, putting his knee in my back and twisting my arms together so that my hands were forced to meet in the area between my shoulder blades or risk being broken, not that this was truly more comfortable than that.

"I didn't ask for you to sass me initiate. I asked a very simple question, you want to try answering it again?" His voice hissed about an inch from my ear and I bite my tongue to keep myself firmly grounded in the moment.

Fear washed through me for a moment, overwhelming my senses but my only hope was that if I answered him he'd release me. I took as deep a breath as I could and squeaked out an answer.

"Haven't really thought about it. It's hard to break a habit. I can't see why it should bother Dauntless if I should tell the truth. Maybe it's not good for being a spy and maybe then I could lie but I should think it would make for a good solider."

He released my hands and I braced them against the wall, about to push off since it seemed as if he was going to let me go but he didn't. His knee remained firmly pressed against the bruise that Molly had left one of the times she kicked me.

"So then tell me. Why have you been watching me since the day you got here? Your interest is…well interesting." He was as close as before but this time I didn't react, didn't show any of the thoughts that were running through my mind on my face. There was a difference between lying and simply choosing to stay silent. In Candor we were encouraged to tell the truth no matter what and taught that choosing to stay silent was lying to ourselves but this wasn't Candor and I was not as self-aware as they.

If it was possible to translate a smirk into sound waves then Eric would definitely be capable of doing it. "Can't or won't answer? Never mind. Think about it. I'll ask you again later."

His knee left my back and he grabbed the top of my arm again, pulling me off the wall and starting us on our path again.

The rest of our journey to the infirmary was spent in silence with the exception of our footfalls and those of the other Dauntless that were rushing around us. I wasn't about to answer his question and he seemed to be enjoying letting me squirm.

"Nina, patch her up." I looked around us as Eric pushed me towards a bed. I hadn't even realized we'd gotten to our destination until now. I hopped onto the bed, taking off my shoes and crossing my legs as Eric stood over me.

"I'm a big girl. I don't need to be babysat. I'm sure you need to get back to leading or something."

He raised an eyebrow at me but only uncrossed his arms and shoved them in his pockets. Nina, a lovely woman with piercings in her eyebrows and lips hurried over with bandages and ointments, settling on the edge of the bed.

"Here swallow these. They'll dull the pain while I probe you for broken bones and get those scrapes covered. Remember to hold still, if you move you're going to cause yourself pain and you're going to make my job harder."

When she started dabbing at my open wounds Eric turned and left.

"So…what did you do to get a personal escort here by Eric? Normally you initiates get dragged in by your friends or your instructors…not a leader."

I took a deep breath, prepared to give her some answer that involved him intimidating me or trying to make me reconsider my decision but then I snapped my lips shut. I had absolutely no idea why Eric had just walked me to the hospital sector.

"Nina, if I knew I would tell you." I drifted off into my thoughts.


	2. Chapter 002: Walk Through the Mind

_Author's Note:_ I feel like I should say this now as opposed to ten chapters down the line. Provided this story goes anywhere it will take an alternate timeline where Eric doesn't die and the rebellion doesn't happen…or maybe it goes down differently. We'll just have to see.

* * *

I thought back to the day that was only a week into my past when I had first set eyes on Eric…

"_First jumper Tris doesn't even know what a hamburger looks like." I teased her mercilessly. It was rather funny that someone bold enough to sass one of our fellow initiates and jump first was staring at a hamburger like it was going to bite her hand off._

"_Well yea…I just…" I rolled my eyes and pointed out what she needed to do._

_Around that time was when Eric had walked into the dining hall…practically hunting for Four with the way that his eyes swept over the room and then made a beeline straight for him._

I thought about it. Had my interest been apparent even then? I mean he was…something beyond cute. He was handsome with his tall body and lightly muscled frame that was covered with the tattoos and piercings that would mark him clearly as Dauntless in mixed company. His entire aura was that of someone who had power but there was something underneath…something about the way he walked over to Four screamed at me but I'd brushed it off.

_He settled between Four and the woman who had taken the Dauntless born initiates when Initiation began, talking to her for all of what seemed like a second before turning to Four and beginning a heated discussion with him._

_I nudged Tris and pointed at him. "Think he'll be another of our instructors?"_

_Tris just shrugged and opened her mouth to answer but was cut off by Four as he rose from the table next to theirs and faced his initiates. "Pay attention kiddos. This guy here," he gestured to Eric. "His name is Eric. He's a Dauntless leader. His is one of the opinions that will help to determine your ranking when we get into things that are a little less clear cut than the initial learning to fire a gun and how to take a punch."_

_One kid had actually dared to raise his hand and ask a question._

"_Uh….rankings sir?"_

_Eric had rolled his eyes and had I not been staring at him I would have missed it in my rush to pay attention to Four._

"_Yea…did I not mention that? You'll all be ranked. It will help us decide where you need to be in Dauntless society."_

"_Four I think you're forgetting a part of that, a very important part that they really deserve to know." It was the first time I'd actually heard Eric speak and the way that he spoke made me want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers like a child avoiding the monsters that plagued her dreams._

_He raised an eyebrow at Four, expecting him to fill in the blanks_

"_You know very well that I don't believe in telling the initiates that particular fact on their first night."_

"_Yes, but I see no reason to stall. They'll find out tomorrow anyway."_

"_Eric…"_

"_Four." Eric was asserting his dominance over the situation._

And then Four had delivered the blow that the initiation for Dauntless was something that we could be cut from if we weren't good enough. There were mild protests and all kinds of noise for a time but Eric put a stop to it.

"_You chose us. Now we have to choose you."_

Eventually dinner had gone back to normal…well as normal as it could be with that news hanging over all our heads.

I remembered glancing over at him in between conversations with Tris and the other Initiates but I didn't remember staring at him. At one point I might have turned my head up at the way he was clearly trying to usurp Four but I hadn't known about their moral differences then. I just let my judgment go.

"What could he possibly be thinking I meant by staring at him?"

"I wouldn't know dear."

"Oh sorry I was thinking aloud." I rubbed the back of my neck, sitting up and looking around for a clock. I found one right above the doorway and I had to rub my eyes to regain the ability to focus. It was nine at night. Somehow I had lost around five hours here.

"Well at least you're back with us. You've been in and out of it for hours. One minute you were babbling about someone being stupid about emotions or faces or…was it candy? Either way you would wake up long enough to make a declaration and then pass right back on out." Nina covered her laugh with a hand as she strolled over to me, placing a hand against my forehead.

"I have no idea what I could have been talking about there."

"Well you definitely don't have a fever so it was just the drugs hitting you particularly hard."

I pulled the covers off my legs and swung myself around so that my feet were touching the ground. "That mean I can go then?"

"Well I see no reason for you to not be able to go. That is provided you can walk. Take it slow. I don't want to bandage up any head wounds. And if I'm being perfectly honest I don't really think that you could afford another bruise or to lose any blood right now."

I heeded her words as I put my shoes on and stood up, taking each action slowly and making sure it was possible before committing to it. When I was on my feet I wobbled for a second as the world started to tilt but everything seemed to set its self right after a second.

"Thanks for everything Nina." I nodded at her and slowly crossed the room, heading back towards the dormitories.

As I went I thought back to the other times I've been around Eric, raking my mind for a time when my eyes might have lingered for too long or I might have done anything to draw his attention so strongly that he would throw me against a wall.

_Oh…That's…_It all clicked in my head. What I was passing off as an innocent crush he thought was something more sinister. He hadn't been playing with my emotions in the hall, easily reading that I had a crush on him and choosing to manipulate me. _No. He really does think I'm a spy or something! Oh no no no no no. I cannot become factionless because of this stupid crush._

I stopped and leaned against a wall, resisting the urge to bash my head against it and deciding instead to nibble on one of my nails. I wanted desperately to go to bed but I also needed desperately to talk to Eric. Only one of those things was an option though.

_I have no idea where Eric sleeps. So there isn't a whole lot to be done now is there?_ I limped back to the dorms and threw myself into bed, hoping that I would get to go straight to sleep but there was no way that I could be so lucky as to unburden myself in the realms of sleep.

"You said you'd be back by dinner. Where were you? I was going to go check the hospital but Eric seemed to read my mind. He-." Al was cut off by Tris.

"Not really all that important. Are you ok? Can I…" Tris cut herself off this time. The Abnegation in her wanted to offer me some assistance but the Dauntless that she was trying to become was choking her instincts and the entire battle was playing out on her face in the micro expressions that she could do nothing to control.

"I'm fine guys. I just went to the hospital and the drugs hit me harder than I thought they would. I was laid out for a couple hours. That's all." I laid my head gently on the pillow and turned to face both of them as I spoke, trying to force a smile.

"What was with Eric forcing you to let him walk you? Did he want something form you?" That question came from Al and I closed my eyes in response. I knew that lying didn't come naturally to me._ But do I want them to know the truth? _I thought about for a minute…Tris hadn't exactly been truthful with me and I didn't need to tell her everything. And Al…well we were Candor together but I was pretty sure I could lie to him.

"No. He was just being a good instructor…we just walked and he tried to scare me about initiation. That's all. Now guys? I kind of need to get to sleep. We still have to train tomorrow and fight and my body can't process out all the drugs and do some healing if I don't get some rest."

"Yeah…that sounds like a good idea. We should all just close our eyes and rest." Tris intoned. I couldn't open my eyes again to see his face but I guess Al was going to protest.

_I can't be bothered to care._ Sleep came crashing over me as I tugged the covers up to my chin and curled up into a ball.


	3. Chapter 003: Slip Along the Edge

Author's Note: Hello again guys. Sorry this one took quiet so long. I have finals and my birthday and family obligations because of the holidays and it just wasn't a good writing environment. Finals are still looming but hey, maybe this will relax me? God I can' believe I've aged another year. Welp. Onwards with the story,

* * *

For about three days I tried to hunt down Eric, doing little else other than keeping my eyes peeled for him. Is it hard to guess that for three days he eluded me? He was around but it either wasn't for long or he was so focused in on our initiate group that I couldn't have walked over and talked to him without drawing the stares of everyone.

It was pretty much understood that Four was a little tough on us but that he genuinely wanted the best for us. Every single one of the initiates would denounce Eric as the Devil if asked under truth serum ad I didn't want people asking me why I was talking to him. Even if they really should mind their own damn business and really needed to be told that.

"Fuck!" I screamed as I pounded my fist into the punching bag that Tris was on the other side of, clutching for dear life. She raised an eyebrow at me and I just unloaded on the punching bag in a series of quick strikes filled with pure malice. Eric had just walked into the room for all of five minutes, glanced at all of us, and walked back out.

"Christina?" Four swung around and headed in my direction and I resisted the urge to scream again. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing. I just split my knuckle." I had done that way earlier this morning when we'd first started training but I was happy to have it as an excuse now. I unwrapped my hand from its bindings and held it up to him, wiggling my fingers for extra effect.

"Well better that your skin gets used to it now instead of having it happen in the middle of a fight. Maybe you and Tris should change places? Or go practice with the guns some more, tomorrow we start knives so it's another thing you'll have to divide your time between."

I just raised my shoulders at Tris and waited for her to decide, rewrapping my hand as I weighed the odds of getting a real answer if I was brave enough to ask Four where Eric slept. I needed to talk to him before those first rankings were calculated because chances were that he'd be throwing me out when they went up.

"Fo-."

"Let's go work on guns. I need to work on my stance and you still need to get used to firing in quick succession with accuracy. That recoil is kicking your ass." Tris said even as she stepped around the punching bag and walked toward the station we'd need to be in for that practice.

I waited for her to be just far enough away that she was out of ear shot and then took a step closer to Four, crossing my hands behind my back and lowering my voice to a whisper.

"Hey Four….how are the rankings calculated? Like Eric…I mean…he and a couple of the other leaders have been popping in and out like crazy. How much does what they say influence our ranking?" It wasn't what I had thought I'd be asking but it suddenly seemed more important.

He deliberated for a moment and then crossed his arms in front of him. "As I've said you should really focus more on the here and now than your ranking but if you must know…I suppose it's hard to put a number on it really. The leaders are looking to make sure that you're going to fit into Dauntless. Sure you might win all your fights but that makes you ruthless. And how did you win those fights? Were you using brute strength or were you the little guy using his wits to fight against the brute strength guy?"

I could tell that he was really getting into it now and I had to admit that as he spoke it was easing my nerves a bit. "How quickly did you adapt in training? Did it take you days or hours to pick up gun training? Weeks or minutes to be trained in a new technique? It could mean the difference between being a leader and a solider, a technician or a pit worker. And of course all the jobs are important and…I'm ranting. To answer our question just…just block the leaders out. They'll know if you're being fake so it's best to just try your hardest. Win what you can and if you can't do that then pray that someone sucks more than you do."

I nodded. "Thanks Four. That uh…it makes me feel a bit better."

Eric wasn't the only leader who'd been in training, surly if he tried to find a reason to give me a bad ranking based off of more than my fights one of them would point out that someone else deserved a worse ranking than I. I rolled my shoulders and walked over to Tris, picking up a gun.

Another two days passed and still a chance to talk to Eric failed to present its self but as the time passed I let Four's words sink in, blocking out Eric's eyes as they swept over me in training and forcing myself not to shiver every time he corrected someone. He had this way about him, quietly observing someone with a brain that was clearly not Dauntless and then sneaking up behind them in a way that clearly was.

"But you shouldn't be thinking about that." I chastised myself as I let a knife fly towards the board, pegging it firmly in the center. I hadn't quite hit the bull's eye but I was miles ahead of Al who could barely hit the edge of the target when he could force himself to pick up the knife.

I gritted my teeth as Peter let fly another jab at Al, resisting the urge to step in for him. If I stood up for him it would make him look weak but at the same time Peter needed to be taken down a peg._ I wonder what kind of a hissy he'll throw when the rankings go up if he isn't first._ I snorted.

I walked straight toward my board and ripped the knives out of it, holding them between my fingers as I pulled one after the other after the other from the board. Half of my mind was focused on my task and the other half was focused on keeping an eye out for any stray knives coming at my head. I really had no mental space to focus on Eric and yet I took a brief moment to let my eyes dart over to him, skulking around the back wall by the east entrance to the training room. He was pacing back and forth, occasionally letting his eyes dart towards another initiate but I knew, I knew from the way he was looking at Al that he was waiting to strike him.

I bit my lip and walked back to my mark on the floor, twirling a knife back and forth between my fingers. "Christina don't do that. Respect your knives and they'll respect you. Dismiss them like they're toys and you'll feel the bite of their blades."

"Yes Fo-."

"I think that you should be correcting more than just Christina's treatment of her blades. This one over here can't even look at his blades when they fly at the silhouette." As Eric spoke Al threw another blade that didn't even stick in the board, it bounced off the edge and slid between two other targets a little ways down, making a quiet screeching noise each time the blade touched stone. It was almost like it wanted to draw out what would be Al's last moment of peace.

"Yea, yea I know. I'm not hard enough on them." Something had been eating at Eric all day and the same thing had been eating at Four but Four really should have known better than to sass Eric. It wasn't going to end well for Al.

"No, not yea, yea. Correct them. Starting with the one who looks like he wants to piss himself every time he pulls his knives out of the board." His head inclined toward Al and I crossed my fingers for him even as I let one of my recently collected knives fly.

"I am correcting them but I can't force comfort on him. He has to find it on his own and then I will critique his way. But let him find it Eric." Four was nearly biting his words out from behind a barricade of teeth.

"Really? Really Four?" He swept his hand around the room. "Every one of your other students had comfort by the end of the first day. Improvement with accuracy by the end of the third. You. Are. Coddling. Him."

"Eric…" Joselin, another of the Dauntless leaders, perked up.

"So what if I am?"

"Four!" She no longer had a clear cut wrong and right here. She just wanted to mediate.

The entire room was gradually slowing down with their knife throws, losing the focus that they had built up with each heated word. "Did I say you could stop? If you can't focus when two people are talking I can only imagine how you'll focus when battle is swirling around your heads."

The sound of blades hitting foam picked back up, faster than before less anyone draw Eric's attention.

He pointed at the knife. "Pick it up Al."

"Eric I don't quite think that singling one of them out is going to be helpful right now."

"Joselin he singled himself out when he failed to keep up with the pack. You know this is just another train run. He can jump on or he can get cut."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head but threw her arms up in defeat, pressing against the wall and indicating that he should proceed.

"Pick up the knife."

I cringed. Al was waiting for a break in the knives to go retrieve his but I knew what Eric meant, he wanted Al to be bold enough to walk through the knives.

"Now."

"There are knives flying around."

"And your point is?"

"I'd rather not be cut to ribbons."

"Al…"I hissed under my breath, arm poised at the beginning of my throw. He was being more cocky than he could honestly afford to be even if it didn't show in his voice.

"Everyone stop. Go get your knife." Al walked over to his knife and bent down to pick it up, collapsing less than half a second later as a knife whizzed past his head and embedded it's self in the wall as he stood back up.

"Stand up."

Al failed to get up and I turned to stare at Eric fully, sure that he could see my disapproval in his peripheral vision but not quite caring.

"Stand. Up." Al still couldn't get up and Eric shrugged, shifting his stance to throw another knife. Four shifted with him seeming as if he was going to interrupt but Tris beat him to it and I silently blessed her.

"Quit being a bully."

"Excuse me."

"You're being a bully. You've made your point that Al is on the bottom but throwing knives at him when he's down is just plain picking at an open wound."

"Oh really? And what would you suggest since you know more than me?"

"I never said that." Her voice wavered a bit and Eric pounced on her like an animal after its prey. I suddenly began to regret my choice to make friends during initiation. I was obviously going to lose them if they kept this behavior up.

_Please be smart enough to stay out of this Will._ I silently prayed.

"Well obviously you must know more than me since you have seen fit to interrupt my critique."

"All I know is that pointing at him and scaring him isn't going to do anything to teach him."

Eric let out a laugh that sent my skin crawling from its bones.

"Oh you don't know fear yet. Soon. But not yet. In the meantime why don't you take Al's place hmm? Let me throw knives at you since you're a big girl and can take it. But when you flinch, Al returns."

I dropped my knives and walked to the back of the room, not wanting to be so close to Eric when he was in this state of malicious intent._ How could I have been so easily swain by looks? God you're an idiot Christina._

I bit back a laugh of my own. _This is the chasm all over again. What would you expect of a Dauntless man? A dauntless leader no less? Why are you surprised you stupid girl?_

The rest of the hour played out in a blur. Four stepped in before Eric could even throw the first knife and only four blades flew at Tris before Joselin declared the whole thing pointless, chewing Tris out for interrupting but also giving her accolades for her bravery and then chewing her out again.

Eric dismissed all of us and then did something akin to storming out of the room.

"Al it's going to be ok." I said as he and I stood in a vacant hallway. He was still trembling from the encounter with Eric and I wasn't quite sure that I could blame him. At the same time though, I'd had Eric's knee in my back and his mouth up close and personal with my ear and I had managed to regain my composure faster than this.

"I'm going to be Factionless Christina."

"You're going to try your hardest and you're going to get into Dauntless."

He gave a bitter laugh and shook his head. "You know you're doing it again. That thing where you lie because you don't know you're doing it."

"I wasn't aware you had a magic mirror that showed you the future. Tell me are you going to be Factionless for sure or are you going to straight to the Morgue?"

"There's no need to be mean."

"I'll be mean to anyone who accuses me of lying twice in less than two weeks." I leaned forward and grabbed Al by his bicep, forcing him to look me in the eyes.

We had grown up in Candor together. I would never lie and say that we had been anything near friends but the fact was that we were both transfers and we were the only thing that each other had that even remotely seemed like home. The fact that the eyes that stared back at me were nearly dead and lifeless made me begin to give up the hope that I had for him. What would be the point in believing in someone who had already decided to give up?

"Al. Get harder. Run steel through your veins if you have to but you need to toughen up. You want in this faction? Pull yourself together and force your way in. You need to make it seem like you can actually stick it out here. Otherwise…why did you come? Why are you here Al?" My voice softened at the end. I truly wanted to know. I knew that I wasn't honest enough for Candor but Al…Al didn't stick out like a sore thumb like I did.

He shook his arm out of my grip, an action that wasn't that hard considering his size. "That's none of your business."

"Fine then. But here's the way things go. You can toughen up or you can get out before you're taken out. And honestly Al? I'd rather have a Factionless friend than a dead one." I turned my back on him and started to walk away.

"Easy to say when you've got your trainer in your back pocket."

"What?"

"You and Tris…both of you." He was talking under his breath now, more to himself than me but I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What are you implying Al?"_ He's stressed and he doesn't know what he's saying. He's just lashing out. This is what competition and dishonesty breeds. This is what they're trying to breed in us._ I chanted at my self.

When I looked back at him he seemed to be drawing on his courage to say something truly brutal but all that came out was, "what did Eric want from you Christina? What happened the other day?"

"It was nothing. Maybe you should go to Lunch Al. Food will clear you mind a bit, make things better."

I turned and walked away before another word could be spoken, attempting to contain the anger that was rising within my chest.


	4. Chapter 004: End of Stage One

_Author's Note: _This was harder than it should have been to get out but it exists and now we move forward. Also now I have a beta! My lovely wife is editing for me so hopefully between the two of us the errors have fled before the horror of our red pens.

* * *

"So what's wrong with your little friend? He's been moping ever since I almost threw knives at him." I would have jumped out of my skin at the sound of Eric's voice ringing in my ear if this was day one but it wasn't and I had run this scenario threw my mind multiple times. We hadn't always been alone in the training room, him sneaking up on me as I tried to get the clip of bullets out of a gun but I would be lying if I said the fantasy had never crossed my mind.

I would never admit that I'd fantasized about this to anyone but my brain did a little backflip at the thought of him standing over me, his breath tickling my ear and his muscled frame only separated from my own by the space of a single step.

"Well you know maybe it has something to do with the fact that you wanted to throw knives at him." My hands swiftly continued disassembling my gun, grounding me back in the real world and forcing my mind to think about something that I couldn't fuck up but could always use a little more attention.

"No, that's not it. You should be able to read body language better Christina." He moved from behind me and leaned against the table, palms pressed against the edge and eyes on me.

"It's initiation. First night you made it pretty clear that this is what happens. Some people make it through this just fine and some go insane." I placed the pieces of the gun on the table and sighed. "Why do you care anyway?"

"Stage two is….nearing." He raised an eyebrow at me and reached out to grab my chin, forcing my eyes toward him. "Days ago you couldn't take your eyes off of me. Now you won't look me in the eye. Tell me Christina, did your little trip into the chasm make me that scary?"

I stared at him, pinching my lips together and biting back every single sarcastic response that came to mind. I'd been dropped over a chasm and thrown against a wall by this man; the last thing that I wanted was from him to bend me over this table in another show of dominance.

_Or is that exactly what you want? Imagine if Al walked in on that._

A shudder rocked through me before I could get a hold of it which drew a smile out of Eric.

"As I was saying," he dropped my chin with a sharp motion that pushed my head backwards a little. "Stage two is nearing, things get so touchy in stage two. I don't want to put my eggs in any baskets that are going to fail."

I couldn't resist this time. "Afraid of being wrong Eric?"

He rolled his eyes at me. "Fear is not something I would say this concerns."

"Then what does this concern? And why are you telling me?!" I slammed my hands on the table causing the bits and pieces of the gun to rattle and slide towards the edge. "You're going to edge me out and I know it. You know it! Why are you bothering me about Al when you're likely going to give him my place?

"Is this…is this what you do Eric? You find a recruit and you gas light them but not to make them stronger and ultimately the top of the pack but rather to run them off because you get some sick sexual gratification out of it?" I had wrenched my hands through my hair by the end of my statement, trying to keep them from flying at his throat. I had been stressed about the entire situation with Eric and initiation for far too long and it was starting to show. I just wanted to tell him that I wasn't a spy but of course the second I had that thought it occurred to me just how stupid it sounded.

_Oh yes I'm entirely just a silly girl with a crush on you, not a spy at all. No one has ever used that excuse ever!_

He raised an eyebrow at me and I waited. "Wow. You're really unraveling aren't you? I-."

It took me all of one second to rip my hands off the table and launch myself at Eric, hands splayed open to grab at anything on him that I could reach. All of my training from the past few weeks flew out of my head as I punched, kicked, and screamed at him. I was lost in a sea of emotion and he was unfortunately the recipient.

Eric dodged my first attempt to grab at his throat and my hand landed in his hair, gripping tightly on each strand that it could close around even as he put his hand in the center of my chest, grabbing for my shirt and a hand hold of his own.

"Chris-."

I wasn't having any of it, none of his reasoning or his lies or his mind fucking. I brought my knee up and jabbed at him with it twice. One to the groin and the next to the stomach. He doubled \ over but his handhold on my shirt didn't loosen and I refused to let go of his hair so I went down with him, landing on his torso.

A groan escaped Eric but I paid it no mind, jerking his head back with all my strength so that I could expose his throat left me wide open for Eric's retaliation. Apparently he was the type of person who only tried to reason once before going all in.

He yanked me forward and wrapped his free hand around my throat, other hand releasing my shirt and grabbing for the wrist of my hand that was gripping his hair for dear life. I wasn't stronger than him, no way could I be, and my hand left his hair with little difficulty.

The fight was over before it began. With the swiftness that only came from the training that Dauntless received after initiation he disabled me, grabbing both of my hands in his and holding them between us while he performed the tricky maneuver of turning me so that I my back was pressed against his chest. He brought my hands between us again and held them there, rolling us so that I was smashed against the ground and fully disabled. His hand never left its place on my throat but he squeezed no harder than he had to, not trying to kill me even though I had clearly gone at him with the intention of doing just that.

"Christina." This time he wasn't trying to reason with me, it was just his final nail in the coffin. He was punctuating the entire encounter and throwing it in my face and I screamed into the ground, wriggling against him even though I knew it would do no good.

"What?" I bit out from behind teeth clenched tight enough to cause stress fractures.

"You want to explain what that was about?" I knew that if I looked back at him I'd see crystal clear eyes and a sharp expression highlighted by tattoos that would only serve to make that expression more sinister and piercings that I would only want to rip out. His mind wasn't stressed or sleep deprived or swimming in a sea of emotions like mine was. He wasn't going to lose control at the drop of a hat.

I sucked in a deep breath and tried to find the words but quickly closed my mouth and slammed down a mental hand on everything I was feeling. I felt tears prickling at the edge of my vision but I was not about to cry for him. I wouldn't make this easier on him by being foolish enough to think that tears would make him stop what he was doing.

I heard a hiss of air escape from above me and I waited. Peace was actually starting to wash over my mind because I knew what was coming. Eric was either going to ram my face into the ground until I was dead or he was going to tell me to get out of his sight, that attacking him when I was an initiate was nothing more than stupid and that it had secured my fate.

Either way I knew what was coming and I was ready. In place of my tears a laugh bubbled out of me.

"Stop your hysterics." Eric's hands released me and I rolled over under him, staring up at him even as the laughs continued to exit my throat against my will.

"Sick sexual gratification…Christina what in the world were you speaking about earlier?"

"I'm not a spy!" I blurted out before I could clamp my hands over my mouth. "You think I'm a spy but I'm not. I'm just a silly sleep deprived girl with a crush who's afraid of being Factionless but I've secured that now haven't I? I'm fucking up everything but it was already fucked up anyway so come on. Rain it down on me. Call me pathetic. Tell me that Al would make a better initiate than I and that you've heard the crush excuse before and that it won't save me and that I'm an idiot."

I reached up and fisted my hands in his shirt, pulling him down towards me so that he was forced to balance by placing his hands on either side of my head.

"Come on Eric. SAY IT!" I screamed in his face.

He stared down at me for a moment, searching for something that I wasn't sure he could even find. "That's the second time today that you haven't been able to keep your emotions in check."

The door rattled as someone pulled on it from the outside, trying to get in to train since lunch had probably just ended and there wasn't much else for us initiates to do, even on a day off._ I can't let them find me like this, under Eric like a whore trying to secure her place in this faction. But…who cares? It's his reputation on the line not mine. I don't have to explain anything to anyone anymore. Not today. Not ever._

"You are sleep deprived. You are starving yourself by spending so much time training and taking in too few calories. You are pushing yourself too far and I have nothing to do with it Christina."

I rolled my eyes at him, my laughs dying down into giggles and then only the occasional echo of a laugh.

"I know you're not a spy Christina. I didn't remember at first, it took me a few days, but I did figure it out in the end. I was never trying to edge you out. If I thought you were truly a threat I just would have had you killed." That caught my attention and I lifted an eyebrow of my own at him. "But you Christina…you are edging yourself out. And I hate to say this because I am not Four. I could never be as…emotional as he is but-."

The door wrenched open and my eyes shot to look over at it, Tris stood in the doorway, looking around. Her eyes hadn't quite found our forms where they lay behind the gun table but if she stepped closer she would surely see our heads and draw her own conclusions.

Eric dropped his face to within an inch of mine and whispered at me, not hissing in the way that he had when he was taunting me. "The fact is Christina, I'm rooting for you. I want you to make it. But I'm not Four. I'm not going to treat you like Tris ad cuddle you about it. You have to earn your way into Dauntless and if you can't then that sucks. But know this: I will not compromise this faction for you or anyone else."

He grabbed at my shoulders and shook me as much as the limited space between us would allow. "Are you listening Christina?"

"Y-Yes." I said, hardly believing what I was hearing.

Tris' steps were drawing closer and as my mind settled onto the new track that I might be staying in Dauntless panic set in. She couldn't find me back here with Eric on top of me. She wasn't a gossip but she was also fighting to find her place in Dauntless and while the Abnegation in her would have thought it was wrong to gossip the Dauntless that was being formed might just give it a try since it was something new and unexplored.

"Hello?" She called out.

"Hello." Eric said before continuing in a quieter whisper. "I think you should go to bed Christina. Get some food and get some rest, tomorrow will be stressful enough without you putting extra strain on yourself."

"I think I have spent plenty of time resting up lately. If I want any kind of chance of making it in Dauntless I need to do more than rest."

"Eric?"

"Yes Tris?"

"Why are you on the floor?" She was still across the room but she was shuffling closer. Eric swung his body so that he was kneeling beside me and smoothed his hands over my eyes. I closed them

"Christina fainted. I found her on the floor. I was checking to see if she had a pulse or if I should just have her shipped straight to the morgue."

To me he said. "It was not a suggestion it was a order; you will go to bed and you will not leave it until you have gotten a full night's rest. There was nothing to do anyway. You were shaking trying to disassemble that gun earlier and you flew at me with murder in your eyes. I am willing to forgive that but pull that on Four? Pull that stunt on any other Dauntless leader? You will be thrown out. So you are you going to bed." This was spoken in a hiss.

Before I could respond again Tris was on top of us, hands on the table to balance as she leaned over it to get a better look at the proceedings.

"Did she pass out or did you knock her out?"

"Contrary to your and your fellow initiates' beliefs I am not a raging monster. I understand that you would think me one but I would not knock her out simply for sport."

"Really? Because it seems like you would throw knives at Al simply for sport."

_Oh Tris…_

"That wasn't sport. That was training. He needed to learn, you all did." I felt Eric's arms slipping under me. He was picking me up, shrugging my head onto his shoulder and holding onto me bridal style.

"Sport or not I still don't trust you to not have knocked her out."

"Well then it's a good thing that I don't care what you think now isn't it? But if you're so curious why don't you go ask Four to review the security tapes for you. There are cameras all over the room, they'll show you that I didn't do this to her." Eric walked towards the door and Tris shuffled along behind him. I took the chance to shift myself in his arms so that I was more comfortable. It may have sucked how I'd gotten here but right this moment my crush was cradling me in his arms, holding me against his chest, trying his hardest to protect me for whatever reason. I was definitely going to take advantage of that.

"Last time I checked I'd been in Dauntless for two years longer than you. I slept in those very quarters where you sleep now. I don't need an escort there Tris."

"No you don't but Christina does need someone to watch over her." I heard the sound of the door opening and I guessed that Tris had gotten it for him. "I hardly think you're going to play nurse maid."

"And you are?" The hallway around us was empty and I was thankful for that. Eric had come up with a pretty good excuse for him to be hovering over me but him carrying me to my quarters was not a whole lot better.

"I wonder if we shouldn't go to the hospital ward instead." Worry was slipping into her voice now.

"She simply fainted, that's not something you go to the hospital for. You've avoided my question." There was pure annoyance in his voice. Eric wasn't tip toing along the same line that he played on with me. He was simply annoyed with Tris and what he said he wouldn't do to me he would do to her.

"Yes I'll play nurse maid to her. I don't care if you think that it makes me weak or something. I care about her and I'll watch out for her. I hardly think that you're going to sit by her bedside." Another door opened and closed and then there was the sound of fabric sliding across fabric as the covers of my bed were pulled back and Eric slid me under them.

"Well then. I'll leave you to it." I regretted the loss of Eric's arms around me but I didn't give any indication that I was waking up. I didn't want to deal with Tris or her questions that would surely follow. Al was bad enough; I didn't need Tris on my back too.

I heard Eric leaving the room and my mind cleared in the expanse of time before I fell asleep. Occasionally Tris would come over and tug at my covers, place her hand on my forehead, or talk to me but I ignored her in favor of letting my mind circle around one train of thought.

_What does Eric remember? Why is he rooting for me? Where did he transfer from?_


	5. Chapter 005: We Have A Secret

_Authors Note:_ This chapter is definitely shorter than the last but I just wanted to try something. It's not going to happen too often but sometimes it's nice to tell the story in a different way. Also I really wanted this interaction to take place so that you guys can get a solid feel for what these two characters are going to be like as I write them. They're kind of different since I'm not following the book rebellion to a tee.

* * *

The second I took three steps out of the initiate dorm I ran into Four, leaning against a wall with a smug look on his face. No love would ever be lost between us.

"What do you want?" It was obvious he was waiting for me so there was no reason to avoid it.

"What was that little exchange in the training room today?" There was something accusatory in his voice and I fixed him with a hard glare, leaning against the opposite wall and crossing my own arms.

"Let me guess: like your little Stiff girlfriend you're here to accuse me of attacking the initiates?"_ That should get under his skin; he's so worried I'll take any interest in her._

"No. I'm here to accuse you of cradle robbing the initiates." His hands dropped to his sides, fingers twitching as if they were trying to decide if they wanted to form a fist or if this just wasn't the right time to deal with this. Not as far off track as I wanted him but it was the beginning of something.

"Yea, right. Because in all the time I've been here I've definitely had a thing for kids. Look at all the Dauntless children I've molested." I bit out, an edge to my voice.

"You said it not me."

"Oh shut up Four. You know very well if I was some kind of pedophile I would never have lasted in Dauntless. We're risk takers, not amoral."

"I don't know Eric. Some of the things I've been seeing lately." He said this in a whisper and my eyes narrowed, my glare intensifying. I knew that Four had his doubts about our faction, he was so hell bent on making them his new family that when things didn't fit his vision he could hardly hide his disappointment but all of my information about his doubts came from observing him.

_Aside from challenging me he's never spoken about this aloud…and why is he here talking to me of all people?_ I had let Christina off the hook as soon as I realized who she was but Four had almost been a leader in place of me. I couldn't take the chance that he was setting me up for a fall.

"Are you doubting your faction Four? Thinking of defecting?" If he was serious though, I wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. Despite our public rivalry Four and I had been initiates together. We had both been forced through our fear landscapes on day one and survived. We'd made it through training together. He had been number one but he had passed up leadership in favor of guarding cameras and I'd jumped at the job.

On the surface I hated him but below that-I would never call us friends-but there was something about our rivalry that kept each of us protected, sane, and at the top of our game. Without him here to rattle me I couldn't be sure that I would remain at the top of my game. We were our own system of checks and balances.

"Am I speaking to Eric the initiate I was almost friends with or Eric the Leader who is supposed to stamp out all defection?"

I sighed and rubbed at the bridge of my nose, making a choice then and there. "I am making a lot of excuses for people today so I'm going to…be…I'm going to make one for you. Is this burning desire within you to defect because you still don't agree with my leadership?"

"I will never agree with your leadership Eric. You know that. That said…I've looked at the rankings. I know who made it in and I cannot believe that you let that sociopath in over…there were…things are….He doesn't belong here!"

"Carful Stiff, your Dauntless is showing." I knew exactly who he was talking about and I didn't agree that he belonged in Dauntless either but I wasn't about to give Four even an inch of wiggle room.

"I'm being serious. Is that the kind of person we want in Dauntless now? Someone with no sense of community who would, and actually has, gone out of his way to be cruel?" He was getting louder now and I brought a hand to my lips to signal that he needed to get control of himself. We weren't exactly miles away from the initiates' room and this was a quite public hallway, anyone could be sweeping past us at any moment.

"And what? You think Al deserves to be here anymore than Peter?"

"We're talking about two entirely different people here and you know it. Al may be at the bottom but he made the cut. Peter however…he's…he's almost at the top of the list. What happens if he makes it to the top by the end? You want to share leadership with a raging psychopath? And who's he going to cut out to become leader Eric? There have always got to be an odd number of leaders. I doubt that any of you have got your eyes on two recruits you want to add to your circle so who's going to go so he can have a place?"

"I believe you've said similar things about me." I was pointedly ignoring his second commentary. I didn't need that on my mind right now.

"I was enraged at the time. You at least have emotions, you just step on them. Peter exhibits all the classic signs of faking everything and as a result his only real instincts are towards self-gratification and self-preservation. That is what we're throwing in Dauntless if we let him in with this Initiate class. Never mind if he makes it into leadership. What if he's only a guardsmen and he's out on a patrol and his group is attacked? Do we want someone who would fire on his own teammates to leave them as bait so that he could get away?"

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever you've got going on with Tris is really making you insane you know that? You're thinking up situations that we haven't even tested for yet. You're making-."

He closed the space between us and fisted his hands in my shirt, fire burning in the very back of his eyes. Unlike Christina he was upset but he was also thinking when he came at me.

"Let me be clear Eric. Leave. Her. Alone." He punctuated each word by jerking me forwards and then back. I just stared down on him until he released me and took a step back. I hadn't been trying to get under his skin that time, I was just observing but the reaction alone told me everything I needed to know.

"So let's be clear here." I smoothed my hands down my front, adjusting my clothes. "You want me to rig initiation to get rid of one initiate. What's to stop me from rigging it so that one initiate comes out on top? You know what? Why don't we throw out the impartial system all together and just point and pick from now on?"

"That's not what I'm saying and you know it!"

"Well then what are you saying?"

"Just…I know that the leaders have more sway in who gets in than Lauren and I do. All I'm asking is that you realize that what he sacrifices for his fighting skills and ruthlessness isn't worth it. If he makes it to the end he makes it, but he doesn't deserve a top position."

I pursed my lips and blew out a stream of air. "And are you asking the other leaders to consider dropping Peter?"

"No."

"Because?"

"Because we are not friends Eric, but I know that you respect our Faction. I know that…" He stared down at his hands. "I know that you fought to put our fear landscapes at the end of initiation as opposed to the beginning because it wrecks us for the rest of training if we do it first. So I…think that you will agree with me on this point. Or at the very least I think that as long as I've planted the seed you'll think on it."

"I'm not going to be manipulated Four."

"I'm not trying to manipulate you. I just want you to think about it. Think about what he could do to Tris if she gets in his way. To Christina." He looked up and locked my eyes with his own and I bit down on my tongue, we were not about to bond over a mutual interest in two initiates. That was not about to happen.

"You're appealing to the wrong part of me."

"I'm appealing to the right part, the part of you that I can stand and think I want to be friends with. It's ok to have a heart Eric."

I snorted. "I am not infatuated with that initiate. She's just someone from my past."

"Someone you've been trying to protect. So just keep doing that."

I turned and slammed my fist into the wall, closing my eyes as pain shot from my knuckles to my elbows like fire on the path of a juicy accelerant. Two younger Dauntless kids scurried past us, reminding me again that we should not be having this conversation here, where anyone could overhear but I also had no burning desire to continue it in another place at another time.

"Yea. Sure. Whatever. Done?"

"Yea." He let his fingers glide through his hair, still Abnegation short even two years later. "I deleted the security footage from the training room today and replaced it with another time when Christina had been in there alone. I didn't think you'd want anyone seeing that."

"Why were you watching it anyway? You're not even currently assigned to the security room."

"I wasn't….I…I was up there looking for Tris and I saw her go into the training room and then I saw you moving off of Christina and I was…I wanted to make sure that you hadn't…ah…I just mean-." He was turning red and I felt a smile tugging at the edges of my lips.

"Still can't talk about sex Stiff?"

"Some things are just private Eric."

"Mhm. Well if that's all I actually do need to go finalize the rankings." I stared at my watch. "What you saw were loose thoughts based on what all the leaders have been seeing and all the fights. We're meeting to decide what really goes up today. If there's anything else say it quick because you're making me late."

"No, nothing."

I rubbed at my forearm, whisking the pain away as quickly as I had brought it on and nodded at Four, turning in the direction I needed to go. At the end of the hall I stopped and called back to him.

"Tobias. Thank you."


	6. Chapter 006: We Need to Share

_Author's Note:_ Trying to build up a buffer of chapters but things get written when they get written. I also hate how the time is flowing in this story but eh…it' happens. Also yes, I did guess on the rankings of the Dauntless born, some of which I made up after finding those whose rankings were listed in the book. Truthfully there were only three Dauntless born that I actually remember from the book, Uriah, Lynn, and Marlene so if I've omitted someone who was in the book in favor of made up name tell me. I'd rather have even a minor named character on this list than just some random I pulled out of my head. I'm not really too sure how much they're going to feature yet since Christina is the center of my story not Tris. Maybe I will shift the friendships a tad.

The next morning rankings went up.

* * *

I woke up to Will pounding on my shoulder telling me that I'd slept long enough and that I had better get up if I wanted to stay in Dauntless. I sat up and got my bearings before looking over at Tris and Al, they both looked like they'd be sick.

"Have you…looked yet?"

"No. No one has. "

"One of the leaders, the female one that was in training when Eric tried to…well you know the day with the knives, she came in and told us we should all get up and get ready because some of us would be leaving today."

I put my head in my hands and took a long breath in, concentrating on the air as it filled my lungs and expanded them. I kept inhaling until I couldn't possibly hold another breath and then stood up and let it all rush out.

"Well there's no sense moping about. Where are the rankings supposed to be displayed? We'll go together, and if we have to, we'll say our goodbyes." I waved Will over and grabbed his and Al's hands and gave them a squeeze, doing the same to Tris' a second later.

"They go up in the hall. They should be up actually; it's been twenty minutes since she came in." Tris said in a voice that was riddled with anxiety.

"Don't you want to change clothes? You wore those yesterday and Tris said that you'd passed out so none of us could stand to wake you up and get you into sleep clothes." Will said as we all stood around for a second longer, despite my bravery a moment ago none of us were particularly eager to be the first person to step out into the hall.

I looked down at my wrinkled clothes and nodded, dropping to my knees and pulling a dress from under the bed. I pulled it on over what I was wearing and then yanked my pants off and pulled my shirt out from under it. With that done and my shoes put on there was nothing left to keep us waiting.

Will punched us each in the shoulder and then we went out into the hall, him in front followed by Tris and me with Al bringing up the rear.

When we reached the training room there were four people lined up in front of the mass of initiates, Dauntless born and transfers mixed together. Four held the remote to the display that would tell all of us oou futures in just a few moments. Beside him stood Eric, Lauren who'd been working with the Dauntless born, and Joselin.

"Tris!" Uriah called and waved her over. We all followed, slipping into the mass that was barely breathing.

"Now that the last of you have seen fit to join us we will tell you how all of this broke down." Four poked at a button on the screen and it lit up with information.

"You were divided into two groups at the start of initiation: those who were born into Dauntless and chose to stay and those who were new to Dauntless but would be welcomed as family. The reason for the separation is because we try our best to treat you equally and it would not be fair to pit you against the Dauntless born who had spent years learning how to fight. So you were each graded on four things and these four things decided your ranking as it stands today. Your rank in the spars. Your aptitude with a gun. Your aptitude with a knife. Things that the leaders noticed about you were used as tie breakers if two people would have ended up in the same spot.

"You all tried your hardest but Dauntless is a faction that cuts those who cannot perform at the top of their game. There will be no bickering, no disrespect, no arguing about your rankings. If you did not make it you will have the day to say goodbye and leave. Don't make us force you out." Four's eyes swept across the crowd and I ducked my head so that he wouldn't see the uncertainty in my eyes.

The light in the room changed and we all seemed to be holding our breaths as I counted down to zero in my head, forcing my eyes to the screen when I thought I could stand whatever I saw there.

**Transfer Initiates:**

1. Edward

2. Peter

3. Will

4. Christina

5. Molly

6. Tris

7. Drew

8. Al

9. Myra

**Dauntless Born:**

1. Uriah

2. Lynn

3. Alycia

4. Marlene

5. Baxter

6. Max

7. Zella

8. Miunete

9. Alex

The entire world seemed to try to invert itself for a second but I quickly grabbed my bearings and thrust my fist into the air, giving a whoop of joy. All of my friends were there. All of my friends were going to continue initiation with me. Oh god we're all safe.

I dropped forward, hands on my knees and sucked in as much air as I could. Tris' hand landed on my shoulder and I stood up and latched onto her in a hug.

"I was so scared."

"Me too."

"We're together though."

"We're all going to make it. We just have to keep believing that."

We broke apart and I reached out with both of my hands, clasping Al's arm and giving it a squeeze while slapping Will on the shoulder. "We're making it. All of us. Just keep going."

I didn't like what I saw in Al's eyes but I couldn't deal with that just now. All around us the excitement of the others who had made it was wearing down in favor of turning to those who didn't and saying good byes. I had no one to say good bye to and I was thankful for that.

For a moment I looked over at the leaders and the initiates. They were smiling and nodding their heads and overall just watching us celebrate. I locked eyes with Eric who wouldn't dare do something as grand as give us a smile and he gave me the barest of nods. I gave him a small smile and then turned away.

"We have no one to say bye to. Why don't we go get some food and some tattoos. I don't know about you guys but I need to celebrate the fact that I made it this far in Dauntless!" I said to my little group, waving a couple more of the other initiates over. It no longer mattered who was Dauntless born and who was a transfer. Now we were all grouped together.

"Initiates!" Eric called out in a clear and loud voice, the sound bouncing back at him from around the room. "The next two days are your own. Use them to celebrate your victory and say goodbye to those who are leaving. If you would like to leave," he rolled his eyes at Four as if he was forcing him to say the next part. "You are permitted to; doing so however doesn't mean that someone who ranked below you will receive your spot. We have made our choices. Now scatter."

The room quickly emptied. Tris and I grabbed Al, Uriah, Lynn, Marlene, Will, Edward, and Myra between us and pushed them forward, out into the hall and towards the Pit.

I gradually slowed my pace to put space between our group and myself. Tris followed my lead and I jerked my head towards a side hallway, ducking into it.

"What's up? I thought you wanted to get tattoos."

"I wanted to talk to you first."

"Is this about you and Eric?"

"It's about Al…and…and you and Four?" I spread my hands in front of myself in a gesture of openness, trying to convey that I didn't want a hostile conversation to break out. "I'm not trying to accuse you of something. I just…"

"Had an interesting conversation with Al?" She leaned against the wall next to me and played with her fingers, weaving them together.

"I take it he's spoken to you about me?"

"Yea."

I decided that if I wanted answers out of her I might as well start giving some of my own. "We were talking the day that Eric wanted to throw knives at him. I was trying to comfort him and he lashed out at me. I forgive him for it because this is all maddening, but he said…he accused me of having Eric in my pocket the same way you have Four. Is there…Eric and I are nothing, but are you and Four…a thing?"

Tris huffed and looked over at me, searching for the right way to explain things.

"I'm not going to judge you if you do have something going with him. I just…I need to understand. I want to understand so that I'm not running around spewing lies."

"You can't tell anyone this."

I nodded.

"Four and I are…we aren't anything real but I've never felt anything like this before. We didn't…Abnegation doesn't…believe in romance. If you like someone you might ask them on a date or if it's mutual you might ask them to marry you straight away but romance, dating, courting, whatever you call it, it's not elaborate with us. And it's not something we really talk about with our parents or anything. So I'm not quite sure what this is…it's taken me weeks to puzzle it out.

"I think it's a crush though. I do emotional backflips when he's around and my body lights up like a neon sign because blood is constantly rushing to my cheeks and my arms and making me this stupid shade of red. It's…foreign and new to me because I'm so used to suppressing my emotions because I had to be a gift to other people and if I was happy I had to be happy for them. If I was excited I had to be excited for them. But attracted? Being attracted to another person…wasn't frowned on but it felt like it should be."

I reached over and grabbed her hand, giving it a tight squeeze. "Tris. You and I are going to be in Dauntless together. We're going to make it through initiation and you are going to be my best friend and I am never going to spill your secrets and you are going to keep mine. Ok?"

"Ok." I squeezed her hand again and let it go.

"I'm worried about Al."

"Wait, wait. Before we talk about him I need to know some stuff, I told you about my crush but…I have two questions. One why did you say you and Four? Why didn't you just ask me if I had a crush?" She ran her fingers back and forth across her collar bone, fingering her bird tattoo in a nervous gesture that she only did when she was trying to keep herself from being offensive. "And then…When Al talked to me about you he said he was worried about what Eric was doing with you; his sudden interest in you. And when I saw you on the floor yesterday I was so worried."

"Yea, thank you for watching over me all night by the way. It was sweet of you. I said you and Four because Al sees what I see. He thinks you and Four have something going on because both of your body language scream attraction. You're both subtle about it but not in a way that seems like you're trying to hide it, just like a," I whisked my hands back and forth in the air. "It makes sense that you are uncomfortable with attraction after what you just explained to me. And I suppose…if Four came from Abnegation or Erudite, since romance would probably be silly for them, it would make sense for him too. Though I take back my earlier words; a bit of Four's body language says that he's trying to hide it but that's to be expected. He's our instructor. It wouldn't be right for him to go head over heels for an initiate."

"So what you're saying is that you think that he likes me back?" She looked over at me and I expected to see a bit of puppy dog happiness there but there was pure terror in her eyes. _I guess I can understand that._

"Yup."

"Brilliant. And the second part of my questions?"

"He doesn't mean me any harm. He said so himself and as far as I can tell he's not lying. I know he wasn't Candor before he transferred, I would remember him, and so he shouldn't be able to mask his micro-expressions and body language well enough to keep up the lie time after time after time."

"But what was he doing with you? Why is he suddenly interested in you after leaving you alone for weeks during the initial stage of initiation? Is he…forcing himself on you? Making you think that's the only way that you can get through initiation?"

I snorted and glared at her. "Thanks for having such faith in me Tris."

"That's not what I'm saying. I know your skills are there and that's why it would break my heart to find out that you were being forced to sleep with him in order to survive this." She placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I know you can do this on your own and if he is forcing himself on you we can tell Four. He'll make sure that something is done to Eric, that he's thrown out or something. I'm sure that Dauntless wouldn't want a rapist in its midst."

I shrugged her hand off and then bite my tough to keep from lashing out. It was my turn to look down at my fingers and carefully pick my words. "He doesn't mean me any harm Tris and he isn't forcing himself on me. At first he thought I was a spy and he was just being cruel, playing with my mind and causing me to unravel but that all let up suddenly. I mean, what I'm trying to say is getting all jumbled." I let air rush into my lungs and then started over.

"Remember when he threw me over the Chasm rail and made me hang there?"

She nodded. "As if I could forget."

"Well when he walked me to the Hospital Ward he threw me against a wall and told me he thought I was a spy because I was watching him too closely. Of course I was just staring at him because I had a crush."

Her eyebrows shot into her hairline but I continued before she could speak.

"So for a few days I tried to hunt him down and tell him it was just a crush and somewhere in that time he realized that I wasn't a spy and he just stopped being intentionally cruel. It was never physical. Other than throwing me against the wall and throwing me over the railing he never touched me in any kind of an abusive or sexual way." I looked into her eyes and made sure that she understood what I was saying. There was a part of me that needed her to know that he wasn't a monster, something in me that said that he might be around for a while and if he was I couldn't have my best friend hating him.

"But yesterday you were passed out on the ground. I know you've been pushing hard but you aren't that weak. You would have stopped. You would have gone to the room. You would have been smart." I put up my hands to make her stop talking.

"I didn't pass out. I attacked Eric. My mind was…he didn't tell me that he didn't think I was a spy anymore. He didn't say that he wasn't trying to throw me out which is what I feared above anything so I went at him intending to kill him or to get him to kill me because I can't be Factionless Tris. The thought of that scares me more than you know.. I admit, he's a bit of an asshole and not telling me that I was safe from him at least was a huge asshole move. But he didn't attack me yesterday, I attacked him and he disabled me. That's when I found out that he well I don't know. He's pulling for me? He wants me in Dauntless? He's…he said that he wants me to make it into Dauntless but that he's not going to give me special treatment.

"And I don't know why-well actually he said something. He said that he knows that I was staring at him because he remembered something; that he knows I'm not a spy because he remembered something. I need to ask him what he remembered but he isn't trying to hurt me Tris. I swear."

"You swear?"

"Dauntless or not I'm always going to try to be honest with you and our friends Tris. I swear."

"Ok. So you've got a leader who's being cryptic and weird and you have a crush on. I have a trainer who apparently has a crush on me and I have a crush on him and neither of us should even remotely explore that for weeks because I don't want anyone to think I'm making it through this by using the fact that I'm a girl to get ahead. If this did become something I wouldn't want him to think that I had used him."

"I understand that."

"So we're both just in a weird place right now." Tris bit out a laugh and then smiled over at me. "I'm happy I grabbed your hand on that train Christina. I'm happy that we jumped together and I'm happy that you're making your way through this with me."

I grabbed her pinkie with my own. "I'm happy about it too Tris. I'm happy that I have someone I can honestly trust. But what are we going to do about Al? I'm worried about him. I worry that he's not going to make it through whatever else they're about to throw at us. We didn't have to say goodbye to someone today but what if we have too in the future?"

"Why don't we go catch up with our group, eat some cake, get some tattoos, and worry about Al tomorrow. First thing when we wake up we'll go and have a talk with him."

"Sounds like a plan. I don't think I can get as close to him as I can to you…but I don't want him to fail either."

I turned and faced her fully, dropping her pinky in favor of grabbing her with both arms and giving her a hug. A moment passed and then her arms embraced me in a hug of her own and we stayed like that, just happy to have someone to talk to about everything that was swirling round our heads. When we broke apart we went back to the main hall and started walking again.

We were walking for a few minutes in silence before Tris piped up again. "Hey Christina?"

"Mhm."

"What's romance like in Candor?"

"Why is that important?" I cut my eyes to the side and then shook my head and chuckled. "For Candor it's exactly as it seems like it would be. We're blunt about everything so if you like someone you like them and you tell them ad you date and if you get both families blessings maybe you get married. Everything is out in the open. You talk to your parents about it and you just…you don't hold anything back."

"And uh, what about sex? How do you guys handle that."

I raised my should in a shrug but a blush tinted my cheeks. I rushed this answer out because despite the fact that we were surrounded by noise as we entered the Pit I couldn't help the embarrassment that flowed through me at the thought of someone overhearing us.

"Like do we do it before we're married? Yea. I think maybe Erudite and Abnegation are the only factions that don't. Erudite because they like to ensure their gene pools are properly aligned or whatever and Abnegation of course because you guys-er I mean those guys think it's a crime to experience pleasure."

"So have you?" She made wiggly motions with her arms and I resisted the urge to laugh as I shook my head in the negative.

"Where did you two sneak off too?" Will called out as he scooted down to make room for us on the bench. "Making kissy faces in honor of our victory?"

"Ew. Don't be gross!" Al said before either of us could chime in.

"My friend girls making out is not gross." Edward put in his opinion and Myra launched a punch at his shoulder as Uriah and Lynn put in their own agreements.

"Oh hush you morons we weren't making out." Tris said.

"And even if we were we're much too much of ladies to be so indiscreet." I pulled my tank top down and slung an arm over Tris' shoulders, putting on my best seductive face. "A real lady doesn't put on a show for anyone."

The table erupted into laughs and I joined in after a moment, unable to hold back. Half of it was true amusement and the other half was hysteria but it was just going to have to be one of those nights.

"So who's getting a tattoo with me?" I stared down the table, watching hands fly into the air. Uriah, Tris, and Will were instantly on board. Marlene raised her shoulders in a shrug but Al, Edward, and Myra flat out shook their heads.

"Nah, we're going to go back to the room." Edward gestured to Myra and himself and for the first time I took in the fact that his arm was casually holding onto her waist and the way she was leaning into him.

"Oh ho ho. Are you two going to make out?" I teased, mirth lacing my voice.

"Well the thought did occur to me." Myra piped in. "I just want to have my way with him but I suppose all he can have is a few kisses."

They stood up and left and I picked at a piece of cake Will shoved in my direction, cutting it in half and offering some to Tris. There was no way I was going to eat all of it.

"What are you going to get?" Marlene asked.

"I don't know…maybe something to do with being connected." I raised my shoulders. "You?"

"I don't know, I'll look around the walls and see if anything grabs my attention. It's less about the symbol for me, more about marking the day." She bumped Uriah with her shoulder and I took in the look that Lynn shot him, storing it away for later thought.

"Well for me I'm gonna start getting flames on my arms and when I pass and Initiation stage I'm going to add to them." Uriah said around a mouthful of hamburger. "What about you Tris?"

She just shook her head and shoved a huge slice of cake into her mouth.

"I thought you raised your hand? Are you changing your mind?"

"Nah it's just personal. If we all make it through initiation I'll show you, how about that?"

"Well we can eat anytime. Why don't we go get all this done?" Lynn tipped her head back and poured whatever she was drinking into her mouth and then swung around and stood up, running her hand over her bald head.

"I second that." Al said as he stood.

"What are you going to get?"

"I don't know. Maybe I should get a slice of cake?" Al teased and I was happy for the mirth in his eyes. _Good, maybe he's not as lost as I think he is._

The table quickly emptied as our night carried on. It didn't take me long to notice that Uriah and Lynn were both a little buzzed and Marlene was keeping them both together._ Not my place to judge._

Al and Will were practically bouncing off the walls, Tris reminding them that they were getting to loud on occasion. I just followed along quietly, smiling. It wasn't the first time I had felt a sense of community with these guys, but tonight it was just perfect.


End file.
